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These are 23 facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:

1. When Dick Vitale starts talking on ESPN, all the dogs in my neighborhood start howling in unison.

2. Shakespeare's Henry VI once said something about killing all the lawyers. But that was before "SportsCenter" anchors.

3. On most NFL Sundays, America might just be the greatest nation on the face of the Earth.

4. I almost always crack open a Rolling Rock when I'm watching women's billiards.

5. If you need one broadcaster to call one game, I'll take Vin Scully for baseball, Marv Albert for basketball and Al Michaels for football.

5a. If Scully is unavailable, Jon Miller will do.

6. For added effect, I usually watch ESPN Classic on my black-and- white TV.

7. Cats have nine lives. Brent Musburger has had 10.

8. As a rule, my spousal partners have never enjoyed Bassmaster Classic fishing as much as I do.

(Quick Story: Six weeks into my second marriage, I'm sitting there watching the Ironman Triathlon and the poor woman says to me, "Is it always going to be this way?" "For better or worse, baby," I tell her, "for better or worse." The next day I wake up, hit the remote . . . and the cable system is dead. Bad deal, man.)

9. For every minute you're watching golf, I'm watching bowling.

10. Nonetheless, David Feherty and Gary McCord can buy me a drink any day of the week.

11. I don't want to say Keith Jackson was born to call college football, but his first words were, "Whoa, Nellie!"

12. Frankly, it wouldn't surprise me if one day Fox Sports Net went topless.

13. The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings; "SportsCenter" ain't over till Stuart Scott "boo-yahs!"

14. Go figure: Several state prisons have a better premium cable package than I do.

15. Best food to accompany the NBA on TNT: Cheez-Its, with cheap red wine.

16. If your only choice on TV is an MLS game or a WNBA game, don't overlook the radio.

(My mother used to tell me not to sit too close to the TV or it would hurt my eyes. So I've always sat as far away from the TV as possible, but -- guess what? -- it still hurts my eyes.)

17. I can't even imagine what Tim McCarver would be like at a cricket match.

18. The best thing about sailing on TV? No slow-motion replays.

19. Spiritually and stylistically, there are striking similarities between the buzzing of a housefly and a Jim Gray sideline report.

20. I once TiVo-ed a dog-skills competition.

21. If Joe Theismann were paid by the word, ESPN would go belly up.

22. I canceled my colonoscopy the other day and watched "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" instead.

23. If there's an afterlife, there'd better be DirecTV.

# posted by Medical Information : 3:58 AM